On the first day of school this year, I delivered my son to his 5th-grade class (he quickly dismissed me with the words: “I got this”), and my daughter to her kindergarten class in her new school. She joined a group of five-year-olds with similar dazed and confused expressions.

I journeyed from my kids’ elementary school to the Harlem middle and high school campus where I work as a clinical psychologist in a school-based health center. I recognized the same dazed and confused expressions on many of the incoming 6th-graders’ faces. These former kings and queens of elementary school suddenly appeared quite young and uncertain, wandering through hallways also populated with college-bound high school seniors. As anxiety-provoking a transition as this may be for the tweens, my experience has been that it is even more so for parents. Year after year, a couple of loving and protective parents seek supportive therapy for their kids who seem to be having a hard time adjusting to middle school. Year after year, the majority of these students prove their resilience and work through the adjustment phase with minimal clinical support.

Beginning middle school is a significant and stressful transition for nearly all students. An important part of growing up is developing the skills to cope with such stressors. An additional issue for new middle school students is that, not only are they anxious about being in an unfamiliar school (as are the pre-K and kindergarten students), they are now also painfully aware that others may be evaluating them. In fact, adolescence is the time when our kids become convinced that everyone is watching and judging them because the world is their audience!

As one who sees your children in the wild (i.e. the school), I would like to reassure parents that your children are very resilient. There will be angst for some as they see some peers quickly form friendships, while others enter with former classmates, creating instant cliques. Be assured that your children will not go through years of middle school without friends. And, this usually happens without any adult intervention.

How can you be supportive? Listen with empathy if your child laments about feeling nervous or alone. This may be a good time to share memories of your own major first days at transition points and the lasting friendship(s) that evolved over time. Remind your child of their past experiences of being new and how they themselves formed enduring bonds with peers. Sometimes kids at this age catastrophize. Time and again I hear, “Nobody likes me! The whole class is against me!”

Be very concrete and specific with your child. They will likely realize that they do have friends or acquaintances who could easily become true friends. Often the issue is that the so-called popular crowd has not embraced them yet. Let your child know that it is important to find the friends that are a right fit for them. If possible, help your child stay connected to their closest friends from elementary school who are also probably dealing with adjusting to a new school. These things will help normalize the feelings of uncertainty and anxiety (and they are normal).

Of course the social adjustment is just one facet of acclimating to middle school. It is a time of complex and important changes and growth, and it is normal for parents to be a little anxious, too. The most important things that parents can do are to maintain communication and stay connected to your child, while simultaneously allowing them to spread their own wings. If your child is still struggling or feeling worse several weeks into the school year, then by all means seek support and guidance from the counselor in the school. There are supports that may be offered to help your child find a home in their new middle school.