A group of friends, parents of students who are fearfully entering that parental rite of torture also known as the public high school search in New York City, wondered recently what it takes to get into the best high schools.

"Test prep!" said one, who was calculating the daunting costs and time commitment of preparing twins to take exams that determine entry into the eight highly-coveted specialized schools.

"Community service?" said another, whose older child had been shut out of his first choice high school when he admitted in an interview to having no time to volunteer.

"Perfect grades?’" offered another, but then quickly recounted tales of students with tremendous grades who were rejected from their top choice – and in some cases left without a match.

Here’s the problem. The combination of a downturn economy with high unemployment and the increasing competition to get into top colleges and graduate schools trickles down to middle school parents and kids.

Supply does not meet demand, so it’s not just a matter of having the right credentials—an obnoxious phrase when you are talking about hormonal, unformed 12 and 13-year-olds.

In many cases parents can’t afford test prep, and many are so busy trying to make ends meet they cannot put in the time and energy needed to tour enough high schools to compile a good list.

As I noted last year, it’s a full time job. I wrote a mock letter to Mayor Bloomberg that might be handy for anyone who needs a little understanding from work colleagues about their frequent absences to visit schools.

One reason the admission seasons creates so much stress is the lack of transparency in admissions. Except for the specialized high schools where admissions decisions are based on cut-off scores, or a tryout, it’s impossible to know why schools admit some kids and reject others with similar grades and test scores. School websites tell you little more than the basic entrance requirements.

Random good or bad luck is part of the high school admissions equation. In the meantime, a lot of parents – and kids – begin a soul searching journey about achievements, test scores, grades and accomplishments.

In my experience, it can devastate fragile young egos.

I encouraged my kids not to talk much about grades, tryouts and exams during the search. I tried to be circumspect with parents (I think it’s a very bad idea to discuss your child’s grades and scores with other parents, although I’m perfectly willing to share stories about my kids sleeping through class).

This is not the time to brag or to worry endlessly. The best solution would be more attractive public high school options, beyond the same specialized high schools and about a dozen others that end up on everyone’s list.

We invite survival tips to the admissions ordeal, along with my modest proposal: Don’t bother comparing grades and test scores with other parents, and don’t discuss them much with your kids – in the end, it won’t help anyone and it will just create more stress.

Do share all tips on meaningful volunteer programs (not the costly ones!) that help create more compassionate human beings in this city, no matter where they end up going to school.