For New York parents, the approach of summer also brings appeals (like this one for OLSAT bootcamp for 3-year-olds) from tutoring services that promise to keep your child’s synapses from petrifying during July and August. Don’t be surprised if your mailbox contains a letter like this:

Dear concerned parent,

Are you doing everything you can to let your son or daughter succeed? In an environment where “competition” is a fact of daily life, have you made sure your child has all the tools necessary to reach the top of the academic tree, even if he or she has to step atop other kids’ knuckles on the way up?

If you answer “No” (and, frankly, we’ve phrased the question so it’s impossible to reply “Yes”), then we at Seize Your Birthright NYC stand ready to smooth over the the rough edges left by your inadequate parenting. Our summer tutoring programs put kids on a fast track to success, keeping young minds active during those sunny months when other children are too busy swimming or running to notice they have frittered away their chances for an Ivy League future.

Seize Your Birthright NYC’s programs are structured to provide the maximum opportunity to charge parents a broad range of fees. No matter what your child’s age, we have a program that you will eventually come to believe you can’t live without:

Sandbox to Heaven is designed for children ages 6 months to 2 years. Here, we work to develop important life skills such as sharing, obeying orders, writing with a pencil, filling in little bubbles on white sheets of paper, and not crapping in your pants.

It’s a Jungle Gym Out There is for 3-year-olds who have just one year to prepare for the crucial battery of early intelligence tests that in all likelihood will determine their futures. Here, we focus on recognizing shapes, colors, similarities and subtle cues in the test-giver's face that indicate a wrong answer. We also make your child comfortable with the idea of being handed over to a total stranger in a tiny room and being asked lots of strange questions.

Mental Midgets is a “teach to the test” program created to give 4-year-olds answers to the ERB, Otis-Lennon, Stanford-Binet, Sleater-Kinney, Hope-Crosby and Frazier-Ali exams. To encourage success, we use a positive-reinforcement system in which correct answers earn rewards such as lollipops, éclairs or large slices of cake. (Parents of obese children are encouraged to consult a pediatrician before registering for this program.)

Next Time It’s 99 is for 5- and 6-year-olds who did not achieve the highest possible score on NYC’s Gifted & Talented test. Here we shift away from positive reinforcement for correct answers to an old-school system of shame, harassment and physical punishment for incorrect answers. (Sounds harsh, but your kid is already in school now, so that clock is TICKING!)

Elementary Academy works to prepare kids in 3rd and 4th grades for the New York State exams they will face in the spring. In addition to rigorous academic training, we work to build the physical stamina and mental endurance necessary to endure two hours of tedious and confusing questions. Innovative teaching methods include forcing kids to watch old videos of Jimmy Carter press conferences.

Tutors at Seize Your Birthright NYC often wear a single strand of pearls and use a wide range of clever words like “diagnostic,” so you know we’re perfect for your child. Call or write today to see if you qualify for a spot on our waitlist (Did you catch that? We already have a WAITLIST! Better get cracking!) or to learn about other ways we can make you feel as if you’re child’s future is slipping toward oblivion.