Dear Parent,

Thank you for agreeing to chaperone our upcoming field trip. It's safe to assume you are a first-time volunteer, since all parents who chaperoned previous field trips have informed us (sometimes via their attorneys) that they will never do so again. Therefore, you ought to know some basics.

First, there's transportation. If the class is traveling by bus, please bring directions to the trip's destination, and perhaps even a GPS device. Drivers of chartered school buses often have no idea where they are supposed to go, much less how to get there. Also pack some plastic bags, moist wipes, paper towels, disinfectant, a spare set of clothes and an aerosol deodorizer capable of masking the smell of vomit. You'll see why.

Fortunately, many New York schools are close to museums, parks, zoos, aquariums and whatnot. That means parents and children will be able to walk to the field trip's destination — a destination you've personally visited with your child dozens of times already. But it won't be the same, because this time you'll be visiting with 29 other kids.

Did we say 29? Silly us. Our class field trip will almost certainly coincide with field trips from several other schools. At times you might wonder why all NYC elementary schools chose the same field trip on the same day. Parents are advised to wear earplugs, and perhaps some protective padding around knees and shins. Also, don't expect to actually SEE anything like exhibits, since it's unlikely you will penetrate the tangled knots of 7-year-olds pressed against the display cases.

But don't fret: The knowledgeable staff and diligent security guards at New York's popular museums, zoos and parks will happily help our class get the most out of this visit. Oh, sorry — just fell out of the chair laughing. OK, totally serious now: It's not unlikely that we'll arrive at our destination to find it closed, or that the lines to get in stretch down the block, or that no one can find any proof we were scheduled to visit on this day or that we paid all entrance fees in advance. Just saying.

If the field trip includes a lunch break, please do not consume alcoholic beverages, no matter how tempting they may appear. Alcohol will interfere with your ability to observe what other kids eat and compare it to your own child's diet. Also, you might have to drive the bus, since sometimes those drivers just up and disappear.

In the end, we're sure all parents and children will have a wonderful, educational experience on this field trip — that is, if they were among the five families who signed and returned the permission slip that was due two weeks ago. Those without signed permission slips will remain at school and watch (once again) that video about polar bears. Frankly, we envy you.