I overheard a conversation this fall between a group of high school freshmen, comparing the weight of their backpacks, their teachers, and their overall adjustment.

Many spoke of going back to visit their middle school several times already, a telling clue. One described the juniors and seniors as "giants," another said the hallways were so crowded he could barely walk. Another missed lunch because he couldn’t find the cafeteria. The number of exams seemed daunting, as did the competition to get on sports teams and in other activities. A performing arts student said she had spent so much time worrying about her tryout, she hadn’t thought about "the school part, and all the homework."

All had a slightly glazed look in their eyes. I listened carefully (the conversation happened to take place around my kitchen table). In a suburban setting, the group would have moved together to the same local high school; here sat a group of friends who now represented five very different choices.<!--more-->

With so much emphasis on the competition to get in, from high school interviews, applications, and auditions, it can be easy to block out what comes next. So much is at stake for families when they rank and choose schools in New York City. The competition is daunting; there simply aren’t enough good high schools for all of the students who want to go to them. Lots of students end up settling on their second or third choice.

Those who get their top choice may have a hard time living up to expectations at say, a specialized or performing high school. The big adjustment that comes once they actually get in can be a shock. A longer commute and much earlier start time, for example, may force a nearly catatonic teenager to function in the dark. The lack of time to move between classes and an inconvenient locker location may mean lugging a backpack of twenty pounds (yep, I weighed it.)

An emphasis on grammar and punctuation may startle a student used to a more creative approach. A foreign language or math class may prove too advanced. Some students may feel terribly alone and wonder if they are in the right place after all. Gangs, drugs, and pressures to conform can be part of the experience as well.

Through it all, your freshman may lack the skills needed to approach school staff and discuss scheduling problems or other issues; the school itself may be so large that it takes multiple calls and emails for parents to discover who can help.

Add to the adjustment a new menu of teenage social pressures that comes with finding a new crowd; don’t be surprised to hear the argument that everyone else is allowed to stay out in the city till midnight. Some high schools do a better job than others reaching out to parents and helping the students (and parents).

Insideschools would like to know what high school parents have learned that would be helpful to those who have been consumed with admissions. Is your school helping you and 9th-grader adjust? What did you wish you knew one year ago? If you feel you made the wrong choice, or your child ended up in the wrong setting, is a change possible?